Misplaced Grief

This makes no sense to me…

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Recently, I’ve noticed a reoccuring theme coming up for my clients. Confused by feelings of loss that somehow seem misplaced.

Why would I mourn something that proved to be so wrong for me?

How can this be?

Cognitivly, we can’t make sense of it. We get to a place where we reach the point to choose to move away from relationships that we realise aren’t healthy for us, for a plethora of reasons; so why, oh why, do we miss them?

When we find ourself on this path we’re often left with the feeling that ‘there must be something wrong with me’; which, most unhelpfully, can be the message we received from the unhealthy relationship in the first place!

Why would I mourn something that proved to be so wrong for me?

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The equation we formulate goes something like:

Subtract Toxic Relationship = Pain Reduction.

More often than not however, it’s not quite that simple.

Finding ourself in a place where we choose to make the decision to put our own needs first is a process all by itself. Then, finding ourselves in a place of continued suffering, can be oh so confusing that we find it hard to trust our decision in the first place, or just plain convince ourselves that the root of the problem lay within us all the time.

This process we often go through is essentially grief. Mourning a loss. Here’s where the confusion may lay. We are not mourning the loss of the pain or struggles that the relationship offered us. But it’s the loss of what could’ve been. What we’d hoped for. What we’d dreamed of. A life time commitment, a safe and loving family environment, the unconditional love of a parent. The list is endless as it will be unique for us all.

We associate mourning with death, and yet nobody died. We chose this ending and so we convince ourselves that this sense of loss is ‘weird’ or ‘unatural’. However, if this resonates with you; I want to offer you ‘it’s ok, it’s normal’. Getting in touch with what should’ve been yet wasn’t for you is wounding. Allowing yourself to feel the sting of that wound is ok. Helpful in fact, in so much as if you allow it in, you are able to move through it. So I invite you to allow space for all your feelings; even the ones that initially appear misplaced.

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Celebration in Isolation

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Now we’ve had a couple of weeks to experience our new way of living, my attention has turned to all the plans we had being on hold.

Paused, and we don’t know how long for.

The lack of control of that fact can make it feel doubly frustrating. I know, I don’t want to pause indefinately.

I don’t want to pause celebration of birthdays.

I don’t want to pause memorials of loved ones who we have lost.

I don’t want to pause my learning.

I don’t want to pause full stop!

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I’m glad I got in touch with all that frustration and anger. I know, if I hadn’t done that, and processed those feelings, it wouldn’t be helpful for me (or for anyone currently in isolation with me), for them to remain stuck, swimming around in my body.

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We can’t control the need to self isolate and observe social distancing; as tough as it is, it is a necessity. We can however, control our response to all the enforced pauses.

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Our family dog, Lola is 1 today. She has brought so much light into our lives. Her playfullness is infectious, her boundless energy uplifting. We are so grateful for her presence in our lives, despite the fact she’s eaten her way through numerous socks and shoes and has jumping skills parallel to a Kangaroo!

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We can’t take her to her fave beach to have a big run around but we can take her for her daily walk.

We can still play with her in the garden.

We can still snuggle up to her on the sofa.

We can still give her her special ‘Doggie’ cake (gratitude in abundance for online ordering/delivery)!

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That energy I can now put into locating new ways to continue within the parameters we have to work within. That doesn’t mean all my anger and frustration around our current situation will not return; but I’ll recognise ‘them’. I’ll say ‘Hi’. I’ll reflect and contemplate and ask myself (yes, I do talk to myself and yes, that is ‘normal’) how helpful sitting with them for a while maybe. I’ll process them, maybe an oh so helpful family member who asks ‘What the fuck is up with you’ will kick start that process. I’ll offer myself some compassion, some kind words, some understanding of the enormity of the challenge which will facilitate some form of balance into the situation. This isn’t going to be easy, and my acknowledgment of that will allow the ebb and flo of emotions. This is the freedom I can control and offer myself at the moment.

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This is the freedom and control I can offer myself at the moment.

Making space for all the feels...

Inspired by a great post by @the_binge-eating- therapist, I felt encouraged to slow down a little; to get off the treadmill of ‘doing’ during these uncertain times.

This is something I invite clients to do and I was struggling with this myself (Yes, I’m a human)! I was struggling to allow the feelings that were rising up inside of me to take some space, feelings that were largely in response to my personal loss of connections during these unprecedented times. So many losses and the grief that’s woven through the ripples of those losses.

The very first counselling academic I encountered when seeking advice regarding my training offered me this…”Whoever walks through your door, whatever their rational for reaching out and seeking support, somewhere within that, will be grief and loss”. It wasn’t too long before I experienced first hand the validity of what she offered me.

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A loss of a loved one. One of the many transitions through life. Divorce. A survivor of abuse. Each and every one contains some aspect of loss.

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I’m missing the face 2 face encounters with my clients. The morning exchanges on the school run. Taking my Mum out for a treat on Mothers Day. Weekly yoga and meditation sessions. The newly formed early morning park walk community I recently joined. A friend popping in for coffee. Popping out for coffee. Chatter as my hairdresser trims my hair. Meet ups with my child’s swimming team. Stopping to allow the dog to great her doggie friends to have doggie talk whilst I spoke with their owners. Lots and lots of loss.

I’d suppressed the somantic feeling of these emotions, so they remained with me, unprocessed. Swirling around inside my body. Stuck energies in my tummy, in my mind, in my muscles across my shoulders.

When I read Sarah’s post, it invited me to process them impact recent events had had on me. Jo the human. Jo the Mum. Jo the therapist. Jo the self-employed. A sadness washed over me and a sudden urge to wrap myself a soft warm blanket followed closely. I wanted to self soothe. I connected to the losses. I was then able to offer myself understanding of the enormity of those experiences; to appreciate the volume of the loss. That enabled self-compassion to steadily follow. To comprehend what I was mourning facilitated more room for compassion.

As therapists, we can often identify parallel processes that occur between ourselves and our clients. And this is an aspect of the role of our clinical supervision. Until this point, I had blocked my vision of this reality in this example; it had fallen into my blind spot. I had been locked into ‘go sort it out mode’ like many of us in response to all the changes that we had suddenly come into contact with; and thats ok, necessary even.

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The new space I offered myself to explore those impacts came in the shape of a peer. She held space for me whilst I mourned some of those losses. She held me safely whilst I teared up and laughed. Those closest to me wouldn’t be at all surprised to hear laughter featured too! New Flash: Tears & laughter can be present at the same time & that’s ok!

So I encourage you to be kind to yourselves. Locate a way to let your feelings in. With a friend, a family member, through writing them down (clearly that works for me too). Welcome the feelings in. Have a chat with them. The fear. The sadness. The anger. Whichever comes up for you. Let them in to process, to surf over them. This, like many worry, doesn’t make you weak. Quite the opposite in fact, as your embracing all areas, even the uncomfortable ones. Of course you can plan and prepare yourself and your family for the challenges ahead AND this doesn’t need to be at the exclusion of allowing your feelings to be felt. in this instance, you can have it all!

Is there space for humour in the therapy room?

During the early stages of my training, I was definitely searching for the ‘right way’ of ‘doing therapy’. A condition of worth for me was to ‘follow the rules’. Like a meerkat perched on the top of its lookout; I sat scanning for these rules.

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Somewhere along the way, I seemed to have absorbed the belief that humour is antithetical to the therapeutic space. Most probably inflated by my need to ‘get it right’, I made an effort to keep my humour outside of the room.

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Parallel to this, I was engaging with this new focus on ‘being’. Being me, becoming myself. So many aspects of my training contributed to my increasing self-awareness of not only what that meant, but also what that looked like. 

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Essential practice experience offered me the chance to locate my way of being in the therapy room. My experience as a humanistic therapist has shown me how beneficial bringing my sense of humour into the room can be. My authentic response to a clients narrative is vital. Whether that’s sorrow, pain, joy or laughter. So why stifle the laughter? 

“Rogers (1961) himself identified humour as one of the attributes of the fully functioning individual.”

It was important for me to introspect - to look inwardly at my relationship with humour & what that offered me. For me, it’s about the possibility for connection with others . One of the benefits of laughter is just this; the opportunity to reach out; to give and receive. Rogers (1961) himself identified humour as one of the attributes of the fully functioning individual. Reading this I felt offered me ‘permission’ to engage with humour during the therapeutic encounter. 

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For sure, people can use humour to deflect from connecting with the pain & suffering of their true experiences; you only need to observe a friend re-tell the story of a difficult aspect of their childhood whilst smiling the whole time to evidence that. 

As therapists we need to hold an awareness of this. And, if I observed this, I would gently offer you just that; the incongruence of your behaviour in contrast to the lived experience you were retelling. I would be curious of the feelings & emotions behind the laughter. 

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So we hold an understanding that humour can be a way of distancing yourself from the pain. What about the benefits? The bridge that it can offer to reach a client maybe. 

I’ve experienced quite a few therapists whilst engaging with personal therapy myself. Each quite different, as we all are. The commonality of the individuals that I felt facilitated a thorough exploration of self, were the ones who welcomed my humour into the room. They didn’t offer their observation as a criticism or try to dilute it; they utilised it. They leaned into it, said ‘ Hi’ to this configuration of me. 

Whilst also gently observing/enquiring about the reality of the experience I was describing. Basically, it didn’t permit me to hide from the tough feelings for too long. And when I felt ready, together, we began to explore some of those painful experiences; bit by bit.

The laughter we shared both increased & decreased in equal measure. Cognitively, I realise this is illogical. What I mean is the occasions my humour came into the room authentically increased as opposed to humour I brought in as a mask. ‘Jovial Jo’ would be seen in all her glory as were all the other aspects of me. It showed me that I could be many different ways and still be myself, still be accepted. I could feel all the feels! 

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Others around me did struggle with the changes that they observed; preferring ‘Jovial Jo’ to come out for coffee rather than ‘Sad Jo’ or ‘Confused Jo’ but that was ok. This encounter with my truly accepting therapists offered me a real life microcosm of how my true way of being could be replicated within the outside world. Not with all maybe, but with some. The ones that truly matter.

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On reflection, my personal experiences as the therapist help me to identify that exchanges of humour are more likely to appear at the beginning & end of a session. Perhaps this facilitates a ‘warm up’ stepping into the session & a ‘cool down’ coming towards the end, when clients are needing to prepare to exit back into everyday reality. It’s not something I feel I personally try to inject into each session, but an observation of when it’s most likely to occur. 

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When the subject of humour has come up during sessions, the clients appreciation of the ‘lighter moments’ has been received as a counterweight during the darker moments. Saying something to me about maintaining a BALANCE. Yup! There it is; my fave word! 🙈😜

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So I will continue to strive to lean in to my clients way of being. To listen closely to their needs & how they communicate those needs. To be curious. To be myself.

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"Laughter is like mental floss, it clears the cobwebs of our minds"

I couldn’t agree more with these words by Madan Kataria. I’ve been aware for a long time of the positive impact a great big belly laughter session has on me. I feel kinda floaty & lighter. I notice how I continue to ‘grin’ long after the source of the laughter has been received.

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When I first heard of Laughter Yoga, I chuckled to myself; (pun not intended) is there really such a thing?

I mean don’t get me wrong, there’s been plenty of times when I’ve cracked up during my regular yoga sessions. Particularly when the lovely Jayne @mindfulofbeing has invited me to ‘gracefully move into dancing Sheba’. Graceful my arse! But no, Laughter Yoga is a stand alone practice by itself.

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Prior to listening to Dr Kataria’s work, I imagined stand up comics at the front of a class full of people sat on yoga mats, or maybe even ‘tickle people’ strategically placed to pop out & take you by surprise! Er, not quite like that it seems.

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When I began to read about the science behind it; I realised what I’d always felt was the case, was actually supported by research. Laughter really does help us.

How then, when I’m not tuned into ‘Live at the Apollo’, or hanging out with my funniest tribe members am I going to achieve this?

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Well it seems our brain responds the same way to genuine laughter as it does during laughter exercises (the kind undertaken during laughter yoga). I tried engaging in some laughter exercises from stone cold serious. I felt quite silly, looking round in case someone had a recording device because I was pretty sure I looked bat shit crazy . However, I did begin to appreciate that perhaps that in itself was where the potentiality lay. If I was forcing myself to laugh, others observing would surely wet themselves, and in turn I would return the favour, (Note to self: add Tena ladies to the shopping list).

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These were the findings of Madan Kataria, author of ‘Laughter Yoga’, when he engaged with some research of laughter therapy. When you come together as a group to collectively ‘fake laugh’ it usually ends up in genuine, authentic laughter.

Whether you decide to join an online laughter group (there are free Skype laughter clubs all over the world) or forge forward to engage with meeting up more with those members of your tribe whose company gets you running for the loo with one hand over your crutch; it seems it doesn’t matter! According to the research, just 15/20 mins of laughter a day can have you reaping these benefits:

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😂Mood enhancer

Releasing those oh so clever chemicals; Endorphins.

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🤣Stress reducing

The lower your stress levels the stronger your immune system becomes.

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😂Boosts oxygen levels

For optimal brain function, we need 25% more oxygen. Laughter yoga increases the net amount of oxygen to your brain.

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🤣Great Social Connector

As Humans we’re hard wired for connection. A shared moment of laughter offers us an opportunity to engage in a deeper mutual understanding.

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😂Positivity

Practicing Laughter yoga can support your development of learning to laugh during times of hardship, perhaps the times when we need a rest bite from those challenges of life the most.

Today is Belly Laughter Day. I had no idea there was such a thing until I stumbled across it during my personal research.

So Happy Belly Laughter day everyone!

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Have you noticed the impact of laughter in your life? Can you perhaps inject some more laughter into your daily life?

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Good Enough???

Last Friday was a really ‘mixed’ day for me.

I finally got to a stage where I was ‘content’ to go live with my website. Not gonna lie; it’s been a long time coming…

So there I sat, poised, ready to click ‘public’ when suddenly I felt overcome with a sense of fear.

My internal narrative was full of ‘what ifs’ and ‘not good enoughs’ which, for those of you that know me, is pretty much a part of me and my journey.

I’ve struggled with my sense of self worth; with my membership to the academic arena. I’ve struggled with owning my professional status.

I may have received a first class Honors Degree, completed 100’s of hours of counselling practice AND, I still experience what is referred to as ‘Imposter Syndrome’. A disbelief that my success is legitimate, with a general sense of fraudulence, despite external validation to the contrary.

The shift for me though, is where previously, my fear would shackle me to the spot, to the point where I couldn’t move forward. Now, my fear only momentarily bungees me back to that place where I’m asking ‘who am I to think I can do that?!

Now, I choose to sit with that feeling, meeting it head on (or at least from beneath a desk); allowing it to wash over me. It’s tough, it’s really tough, but experience (and hours of personal therapy) tells me it will pass (GULP), and it did.

Brene Brown, a research professor whose TEDTalks, ‘The Power of Vulnerability’ has connected with over 2 million people springs to mind. In her video she refers back to a speech given by Teddy Roosevelt in 1910, but it is her words I quote for you now.

When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.

I chose to step into the arena last Friday, and of that I’m totally proud. I’m proud of the courage I displayed, (Prickly sensations being felt now)…So yes, my website has flaws. No, it’s not perfect, nor am I. I’m human. And…I’m a good therapist.