Last Friday was a really ‘mixed’ day for me.
I finally got to a stage where I was ‘content’ to go live with my website. Not gonna lie; it’s been a long time coming…
So there I sat, poised, ready to click ‘public’ when suddenly I felt overcome with a sense of fear.
My internal narrative was full of ‘what ifs’ and ‘not good enoughs’ which, for those of you that know me, is pretty much a part of me and my journey.
I’ve struggled with my sense of self worth; with my membership to the academic arena. I’ve struggled with owning my professional status.
I may have received a first class Honors Degree, completed 100’s of hours of counselling practice AND, I still experience what is referred to as ‘Imposter Syndrome’. A disbelief that my success is legitimate, with a general sense of fraudulence, despite external validation to the contrary.
The shift for me though, is where previously, my fear would shackle me to the spot, to the point where I couldn’t move forward. Now, my fear only momentarily bungees me back to that place where I’m asking ‘who am I to think I can do that?!
Now, I choose to sit with that feeling, meeting it head on (or at least from beneath a desk); allowing it to wash over me. It’s tough, it’s really tough, but experience (and hours of personal therapy) tells me it will pass (GULP), and it did.
Brene Brown, a research professor whose TEDTalks, ‘The Power of Vulnerability’ has connected with over 2 million people springs to mind. In her video she refers back to a speech given by Teddy Roosevelt in 1910, but it is her words I quote for you now.
When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.
I chose to step into the arena last Friday, and of that I’m totally proud. I’m proud of the courage I displayed, (Prickly sensations being felt now)…So yes, my website has flaws. No, it’s not perfect, nor am I. I’m human. And…I’m a good therapist.