Jo Vickers Therapy

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Jo Vickers Therapy

Misplaced Grief

June 16, 2020 Jo Vickers

This makes no sense to me…

Recently, I’ve noticed a reoccuring theme coming up for my clients. Confused by feelings of loss that somehow seem misplaced.

Why would I mourn something that proved to be so wrong for me?

How can this be?

Cognitivly, we can’t make sense of it. We get to a place where we reach the point to choose to move away from relationships that we realise aren’t healthy for us, for a plethora of reasons; so why, oh why, do we miss them?

When we find ourself on this path we’re often left with the feeling that ‘there must be something wrong with me’; which, most unhelpfully, can be the message we received from the unhealthy relationship in the first place!

Why would I mourn something that proved to be so wrong for me? — Why would I mourn something that proved to be so wrong for me?

The equation we formulate goes something like:

Subtract Toxic Relationship = Pain Reduction.

More often than not however, it’s not quite that simple.

Finding ourself in a place where we choose to make the decision to put our own needs first is a process all by itself. Then, finding ourselves in a place of continued suffering, can be oh so confusing that we find it hard to trust our decision in the first place, or just plain convince ourselves that the root of the problem lay within us all the time.

This process we often go through is essentially grief. Mourning a loss. Here’s where the confusion may lay. We are not mourning the loss of the pain or struggles that the relationship offered us. But it’s the loss of what could’ve been. What we’d hoped for. What we’d dreamed of. A life time commitment, a safe and loving family environment, the unconditional love of a parent. The list is endless as it will be unique for us all.

We associate mourning with death, and yet nobody died. We chose this ending and so we convince ourselves that this sense of loss is ‘weird’ or ‘unatural’. However, if this resonates with you; I want to offer you ‘it’s ok, it’s normal’. Getting in touch with what should’ve been yet wasn’t for you is wounding. Allowing yourself to feel the sting of that wound is ok. Helpful in fact, in so much as if you allow it in, you are able to move through it. So I invite you to allow space for all your feelings; even the ones that initially appear misplaced.